Reading the press material to End of Days prior to seeing the big flick, I thought how ridiculous it all reads on paper. The studio’s plot summary essentially sums it up as being about a depressed and suicidal ex-cop (played by Arnold Schwarzenegger), who is warned by a crazed homeless man of impending doom just before he rescues a young woman (Robin Tunney) who, it turns out, was born of prophecy long ago foretold. It just goes to show, I thought, just how much a big blockbuster, with big stars, can overcome.
Boy, was I wrong. It’s not just the story that’s ridiculous. It’s the whole production. End of Days amounts to nothing more than a gigantic waste of time. From the opening scene in the Vatican, to the birth of the marked baby, to the vagrant priest Thomas Aquinas (get it?), to the final fight with the devil, not a single moment in this film rings true, and that’s assuming that we accept that this all happens in the realm of fantasy. Nothing makes sense. How did they find this baby? Why can't the devil find his mate by himself? What is Rod Steiger doing in the middle of this mess?
The real problem here is the high concept. Writer Andrew W. Marlowe was quoted as saying, "I always wanted to work with Arnold and I started to think about how his characters have been matched with so many great villains, but what haven't we seen? So I thought, why not go with the greatest villain in the history of mankind?" Why not, indeed? Forget the fact that we have a regular mortal Joe with only man-made weapons at his disposal up against the Prince of Darkness. Who needs logic when you've got a spectacle starring Arnold?
There are a few funny lines delivered by Kevin Pollak, who plays Arnold’s partner, but this movie lacks the ironic edge of most Schwarzenegger films and takes itself far too seriously. One example is naming the crazed old priest Thomas Aquinas. It turns out that this guy has nothing to do with the great 13th century philosopher, but are we to believe that no one would bother to observe that this guy has a somewhat famous namesake – after all, the real Thomas Aquinas was almost the official philosopher of the Catholic Church?
Conservative Catholics are wasting their time protesting Dogma, written by Kevin Smith, a devout Catholic. Where are their protests about this piece of garbage, where the Pope and his cardinals look and act more like Mafiosi than men of the cloth, and where priests in dungeon cabals work round the clock on biblical prophesy?
Of course, my problems with End of Days have little to do with its religious view. Regardless of their religion, everyone has good reason to avoid this lame and pretentious garbage.
